Posted by Mary on June 30, 2009
Mom - An Independent Woman
One of my mother’s key values was the importance of “Choice,” her underlying principal was for women to be independent, strong and employed. “It’s important to work hard and get an education” she said, typical values growing up in Minnesota during the 1950’s and 60’s. I lived my life believing this until I became a Director several times over and learned that budget cuts are painful choices and that we let people go even though they had an education and worked hard. It’s been two years since I “chose” to leave my corporate job and reinvent myself, I’ve moved away from health care management and sales management in private industry back to healthcare but from a holistic health and wellness perspective.
I’ve made lots of choices, trying on different ideas based on a holistic perspective and building from my healing practice foundation. I’ve experimented the past two years thinking through what type of business I wanted to create until something became clear and the clarity came through personal discomfort. What are my strengths, what work is satisfying and can I evolve the business into an eventual retirement practice?
After my father died last fall I realized I used my nursing skills to manage his medical care over several years, I did the same when my mother died from cancer and subsequently other family members requested my support. When my sister died recently I organized the work that needed to be done with my remaining sisters, closing out all her final affairs. Having assisted with end of life activities for both parents and a younger sister I learned a lot through very different experiences and it became clear that being a daughter, sister and friend with a health and healing background could be helpful to others.
Some choices are obvious and other opportunities come to us unlooked for but life is an interesting journey and I have a myriad of choices. I consider myself a strong independent woman, I learned from my Mother.
Mary
Posted by Mary on June 24, 2009
I’ve done a bit of research on information that would have been helpful a few weeks ago on “what to do when a loved one dies.” I remember asking our funeral home director if they had a checklist on to help us organize all the tasks to be done and I was surprised when he said “we don’t have anything like that.” I was more surprised that he wasn’t able to recommend a resource for us. My curiosity got the best of me and having the role of daughter, nurse, care coordinator, sister and end of life closer I decided to do some web browsing now that I’ve completed my sisters affairs. I found a few web resources with short checklists and forms that might be helpful to you, if interested look under “end of life checklists.”
I’ve already created my own electronic documents based on what worked for me and I’m updating with the new information I found during my research. No one wants to think about “Organizing” all the work to be done at End of Life but it needs to happen, most of it quickly. My previous work in home care, hospice and senior services have given me a passion for helping individuals and families transition smoothly during this difficult time. Here’s wishing that my experience can smooth the path for others, I invite you to stay tuned as I unveil a new service to current and future clients.
Eliza One, Inc. “Like a daughter, sister, friend… managing life transitions”
- Energy Healing * Reiki Master
- RN * Private Care Coordination
- End of Life Closer
Call (612) 202-5728 or visit my new office at 5871 Cedar Lake Road, Suite 216 * St. Louis Park, MN 55416
Mary
Posted by Mary on June 18, 2009
Healing Pup
I’ve been reading and working on “This Thing Called Grief - New Understandings of Loss” by Thomas M. Ellis, the book and the center he directs in St. Paul was recommended by my friend Leslye. As I let go of the daily work I was doing to close out my sister’s affairs I begin to rest, reflect and rebuild my life after loss. Being kind to myself and creating beauty around me meant doing some much needed gardening, adding plants, pulling weeds, replacing grass and admiring my gigantic hostas makes me smile. I won’t mislead you I’m not a real gardener but every little bit has been an improvement and I have found a profound sense of joy and peace as I stoop, bend and get my hands dirty bringing color and beauty to my yard.
In March we added a new member to our family and this little guy has provided a lot of love and comfort for us during the past several weeks. “Buttons” is a rescue poodle that I aquired from Picket Fence Poodles in Elk River, he had a history of being abandoned but we found he was a perfect fit for us and our family is now complete.
So my friends I share a couple of things that can add joy and peace during your healing journey, taking a step at a time I listen to music, admire art, read poetry and write in my journal and of course being with family and friends will help you mend.
Blessings,
Mary
Posted by Mary on June 15, 2009
One of the kindest things about losing a loved one is that we tend to remember only the most wonderful stories about that person, all else is unimportant and forgotten. As I think of my sister Susie and look at her pictures and memorabilia surrounding me I remember all the most funny and delightful experiences we shared as sisters. I’m glad May is over because when I handed over the keys to her apartment for the last time it felt like I was reopening a wound - the total finality left me physically and emotionally spent. A part of me looked forward to the ending, being finished with the work of packing and unpacking all her personal belongings I was tired of making decisions about what to do with every item from the impractical to the personal stuff that represented her life. When the time came to meet the management company representative for the final walk through I realized too late that I shouldn’t have come alone, I felt sad and disoriented for the rest of the day
Considering the work I need to do to create my personal healing plan I need to start with the basics like rest, relaxation, healthy food, laughter and tenderly managing grief. What I know for sure is that I WILL heal I just wish I could fast forward the process, but perhaps I’d miss the significant life lessons along the way. I know my journey is easier with the loving support of family and friends, faithful friends tell you they won’t abandon you while you walk the path of healing reclaiming your joy and laughter.
Today I received an email from a fellow healer and she passed on a couple of you tube videos and the one that caught my eye was the one titled the Wounded Healer. I share this with my audience in hopes that we can all embrace our life events with gratitude and feel a shared sense of Community.
The Wounded Healer
Mary
Posted by admin on June 14, 2009
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Posted by Mary on May 5, 2009
I wrote a small item awhile ago on my friend Sherry a Breast Cancer Survivor; although new at the business of “thriving” she is running joyously toward her new beginnings. I received her email blast last evening where she routed her wedding pictures to those of us who are fortunate to be in her circle of family and friends. I had received a voice message from her Sunday night telling me she was thinking of me and just hearing her voice was a tonic for my soul. In the mist of her celebration she remembered to share my grief, holding me in her heart as I work through the physical, legal and emotional business of closing out my sister’s affairs.
As I scrolled through the pictures of my friends wedding I was delighted to see the ecstatic Joy that my dear friend shows, especially the glow of love and appreciation for her children, her loving new husband Mike and for the friends and family surrounding her. The pictures are a reminder that the circle of life goes on and while we don’t always get a choice about what life throws in our path we do have a choice about our response to life events.
A Joyous Wedding
I look at the wedding pictures again and I see Gratitude with a touch of humiliy on the face of my dear friend Sherry, an appreciation for the opportunity to continue to embrace life and play with those she loves and holds dear. The process of healing our grief over the loss of my sister will take time for those of us who loved Faye Susanne. As my sisters and I work through the reality of closing out my sister Susie’s apartment and the very personal pieces of her life we are faced with a critical choice, “how will we embrace life without her? “
I hope we have the courage to embrace life with forgiveness and boundless Joy for what we have now just like my friend Sherry. There is a part of Sherry that reminds me of my sister Susie and it’s her unadulterated expectation to live life fully in love. My sister Susie lived from her Heart, smiling at life, looking for and expecting people to share her laughter and love of life surrounded by family and friends.
Congratulations Sherry and Mike!
Mary
Posted by Mary on April 25, 2009
My sister Faye’s funeral is over and as we’re picking up the pieces of our lives it almost feels like we’re sleep walking, hoping to wake up and know that this was all a dream and Susie is home from her vacation in Cancun. In the mist of our sorrow my sisters and I talk about how we just burst into tears when we remember she’s gone, it’s still a shock and the hole in our hearts a very raw wound.
As the big sister I’ve organized the work to be done like a project, creating a spreadsheet with all the information, action items and duties to be performed. I did the research on the legal financial responsibilities and spoke to the appropriate authorities as I determine the paperwork that needs to be filed to close out her affairs. We’ve visited her apartment, it’s hard to visit her home and be assaulted by all the memories but somehow I keep pushing us to move forward one step at a time.
I had a task on my to-do list to talk to my sister’s primary care physician about her heart attack and why everyone missed the signs - this took us all by surprise. I spoke to her doctor Thursday afternoon and he was saddened to hear of her sudden death. We reviewed and discussed her medical history, past vital signs and lab work but found no indication of an impending cardiovascular problem, and her blood pressure and cholesterol were consistently good. Faye worried a bit about her weight but she felt lucky that she didn’t have hypertension or any of the early signs that my brother and I have (we take after my father’s side of the family). I asked the doctor how we could have missed this, I know I should know better than to second guess what happened but I couldn’t help myself I just wished I could have my sister back.
My friend Mary is walking today for the American Heart Association, she said she will do this in memory of my sister Faye “Susie” Chapa. I’m including the website for the American Heart Association and the Women Heart organization websites because they have a lot of good information on Women and Heart Disease
http://www.womenheart.org/
http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=2859
Coming from the healthcare industry we think we know everything but I now have my work cut out for me as I look at my own health risk. I’ll be visiting these websites often as I construct an action plan for myself so I don’t leave loved ones wondering “why or what if?”
Choosing Life,
Mary
Posted by Mary on April 19, 2009
I’m creating notes about my sister Faye for her pastor as he prepares consoling words for her funeral service on Monday. Later today we will gather with family and friends for her visitation. I’ve started with just the facts, when and where she was born and a list of family members, where she went to school and her career. The hard part is I’m trying to describe who she was or at least how I remember her as I’m big sister.
I was reflecting on how we were so opposite in many ways, she had this big smile that made her approachable and it showed in the number of friends she attracted. She nurtured and protected relationships like they were gold and I remember teasing her because she said she made friends while riding the bus to work, she called them her bus buddies. Where my sister was more of an extrovert and a very social person I am more introverted and serious, always with my head in a book (or computer). It occurred to me today as I thought about our differences that while I lived in my head my sister lived from her Heart.
My mother would be so proud of Susie, she was such an example of good manners and etiquette. She still does all the things she was taught, she was never a rebellious teenager. When I go to her apartment I see her bed is made and everything is neat and orderly, color and memories fill her home with pictures of loved ones the ocean and sea shells everywhere. When we have family gatherings she’s the first to offer to bring a dish and after dinner she’s not sitting in the living room becaue she’s in the kitchen washing dishes for whoever made the meal. She still says please and never forgets to say thank you, she offers you gas money if you give her a ride and always pays her debts no matter how long it takes. She brought cards frequently to remember birthdays and special events and never forgets what’s special to you.
I’m not sure what I’ll do without my sister, I was always taking classes or learning something new and when I’d forget old stories or people I’d ask Susie, I told her once she was my memory. We’d laugh too because when she would answer any question about a past family story she would tell us what the weather was like and what we were wearing. I won’t won’t be able to ask her to remind me about our past anymore.
My sister lived from her Heart,
Mary
Posted by Mary on April 18, 2009
In Our Hearts
I struggled to find the right words to write my sister’s obituary this week. Her body was shipped home from Cancun late Thursday night, she died of a heart attack while on vacation with my family. The past few days have been difficult as we communicated long distance through phone calls and text messaging, bless my 13 year old niece Simone for being our communication hub for all the family members. The frustration over distance, language and culture differences as we worked through getting everyone back to Minnesota was overwhelming. We are all here now, my brother finally arrived from New Mexico to join us in our grief.
My sister had a generous heart, a big smile and a playful spirit. She was proper about everything and we used to tease her about being so fussy but she left her special touch by making sure everything was neat, clean and orderly. Her home was decorated with flair, her unique fashion style (she loved the color RED), makeup and jewelry were her trademark. She loved regular coke and enjoyed a little chocolate too as noted by her full candy dish at home and work which she filled with good chocolate to share with anyone that passed by her desk or came to her home.
Faye who we called Susie was born and lived in St. Paul, she had worked in the banking industry for many years and loved her position at Wells Fargo as HR Liaison. She loved being in the middle of everything and like my parents made friends everywhere she went, she kept those relationships going for a lifetime as she loved people. Susie never married, she never had children and I always thought this was a shame because she had such a tremendous capacity for love that she shared with family and friends alike.
Susie loved to travel and her first big trip after she graduated was to Hawaii, she made a couple trips and told us how much she loved the ocean. The ocean and sea shells became a constant theme in her decor at home and work. The past few years she traved to Cancun with myself and my sister Lisa and she had shared with me last year that Cancun was now her favorite place surpassing her love of Hawaii. Perhaps that’s why she ignored the signs and syptoms that began a few days before she left on her trip or maybe she was afraid her doctor would tell her to stay for more tests. Irregardless she told me Monday night during our phone conversation that she had been short of breath just before she left for her trip but she thought is was due to a little weight gain. She said maybe it was anxiety due to the excitement of her vacation and when her friends pressured her to see her physician she thought she would be fine so she left for Mexico last Saturday but by Sunday morning and Monday she was in distress and many miles away from home. My younger sister Lisa said they saw a physician at the resort twice and the plan was for me to talk to her primary care physician here and to have a phone conference early Tuesday to determine next steps but unfortunately by the next morning it was too late.
Heart Attack symptoms are often missed by women because we do not always respond the same way men do when we are having a full blown attack. My sister did NOT have chest pain, she had anxiety, shortness of breath and eventually indigestion and nausea. Susie had anxiety attacks occasionally so perhaps we all made a deadly assumption about her symptoms. When we lose a loved one there is always guilt over what we wish we would have done differently and I’m thinking when we are past the funeral and grief I’d like to do something more to celebrate her life and make a difference for other women. I’m not sure what that means yet, it’s just too soon to think about it but I’ll think of something.
I miss my sister,
Mary
Posted by Mary on April 14, 2009
One of my friends taught me about practicing Gratitude a few years ago and introduced me to the Gratitude Journal as part of a women’s retreat. It was a new experience for me to write down what seemed obvious to me but after practicing for a while I’ve learned how much we take stuff for granted, especially the loved ones in our lives. Last year around this time I lost a friend to suicide and last fall my father died at 91 years old, and my life lesson was to appreciate and be grateful for all those opportunities to just BE with family and friends.
Yesterday I got a message telling me my sister Susie was not feeling well, I was surprised as she just left for vacation in Cancun with my sister Lisa and her family. There’s a feeling of helplessness when your loved ones are far away and no matter how much I want to be the Big Sister and fix everything I can’t always reach. As we spoke on the phone I felt the frustration of trying to figure out how to manage a medical assessment without all the information needed to make a difference. Later that evening I happened to get an email from a friend who happened to be vacationing in Cancun. Spirit must have led my friend to send an email reminding me she was in Mexico and all I had to do was pass on the information between my dear friend and my family. I felt an overwhelming sense of joy, hope and gratitude!
At 4:53 AM I got a text from my 13 year old niece to tell me my sister Susie collapsed and they had called an ambulance to the resort. I called my friend and she already spoke to my family and she was on her way to the resort. I received a chilling text from my little niece who said “they said she’s not alive,” and then my phone rang. My sister Faye Suzanne who we always called Susie had died unexpectedly, a year younger than me and my complete opposite. As years of family memories flooded my brain I whispered “I hold you close in my Heart Susie.”
So my dear friend Sue this post is for you, your husband and his parents are my shining example of gratitude for today, for standing in my place and being a loving compassionate sister to my family while they are a long way from home. Bless you.
In Gratitude and Friendship,
Mary
