Posted by Mary on January 6, 2010
Healing is hard work, it may not seem so but it is. I’ve been home bound as I wait for my broken ankle to heal and for me the hard part is learning to be patient. You’ll understand my disappointment when I say I got a call from my doctor this week to tell me the new x-ray shows the bones are misaligned and she is recommending another surgery, gosh just when I was feeling like I was closing in on the finish line.
Recommended Reading
It’s hard not to feel sorry for myself but when I think of how others manage more serious grief I know there are things worse than sitting at home with my leg up on a pillow. I recall the pain and grief earlier this year when we lost my sister unexpectedly and I struggled to find a way to organize the closing of her affairs through my pain of loss. That was when I met my friend Kat Reed who shared my experiences of loss and frustration at the lack of resources to help organize our loved one’s affairs.
We discussed how we created lists and spread sheets for all the action items that needed to be done and I was thrilled to find Kat went a lot farther than I did, she decided to write a book so others would have the benefit of her work. Kat and I talked about how her book would help provide a template for others and with the work I do supporting adult children and their aging parents there might be ways we can partner to speak to interested groups and organizations about loss and how to put one foot in front of the other at end of life.
I was absolutely delighted to see that that the Pioneer Press did an article about Kat and the release of her book which I is a gift to those that are facing a loss and don’t know where to start; it’s also a tremendous resource for those of us working with clients and families at end of life. Many of us ask and wonder how we can help our family and friends during a time of grief and I think Kat’s book gives us some real actionable items and a better understanding of the work involved during a difficult time.
I am pleased to recommend the book “Begin Here, Helping Survivors Manage” by my friend Kat Reed. I’m including the link to the article in Sunday’s paper and a link to Kat’s website if you are interested in purchasing her book.
http://www.twincities.com/ci_14103540?IADID=Search-www.twincities.com-www.twincities.com
www.HelpingSurvivorsManage.com
As I sit here with my leg up on pillows and contemplate starting over again with another surgery I say a prayer of thanks to my sisters and dear friends who have supported me with the gift of friendship during this tiny detour in my road to healing. They remind me that I am not alone, I am blessed and I have a brand new year to celebrate.
Wishing you all a Happy New Year!
Mary
Subscribe to blog posts by Email
Posted by Mary on December 19, 2009
![tree01[1]](http://www.elizaoneinc.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/tree011.gif "tree01[1]")
Taking time to heal these past few weeks has been a gift; I’ve realized how many caring family and friends I have. I’m grateful for all those that have continued to take time these past five weeks (yes it’s been five weeks already) to call, send notes, bring food and gifts or just stop by to visit during this very busy time of year. I’m grateful for the real gift of true compassion, generous and compassionate family and friends.
I took time this week to send Christmas cards and I wanted to write a special note to those that are facing a loss for the first time. I remember last year facing the holidays without my father and this year instead of feeling like we got past that first year without Dad we are facing our first year without my sister Susie. I’m thinking of my sister in laws who are also facing the holidays with a significant loss this year; my sister in law Judy lost her father last month and my sister in law Sandy lost another sister to Breast Cancer. Both these families like mine will sit at the table or around the holiday tree with loved ones this year and feel the loss of a loved one.
It seems like little consolation to say I know how you feel so I look for my own ways to celebrate life and as I’ve told family and friends I work hard at “choosing happiness.” I believe we have a choice at some point in our grieving process to begin the journey back from sadness to joy, easier said than done but I believe that’s what my Dad and sister would want for me.
I seek creative ways to remember my loved ones though shared stories, pictures, memories, ritual and laughter. I recently had an opportunity to contribute a story about my Dad for a recent publication and I am thrilled to say it was accepted, now I look for more ways to share meaningful memories with others. My hope for all of you is to find a way to remember your missing loved ones through shared stories and hopefully you will be able to find your way back to joy and laughter again.
Warm Holiday Wishes
Mary
Subscribe to blog posts by Email
Posted by Mary on October 12, 2009
On Saturday we celebrated my brother in law’s 50th Birthday with family and friends and we all had a fabulous time. There was music, warm conversation, good food, a few gifts and lots of funny birthday cards that focused on “turning 50″ with a few stereotypes about getting old. During dinner a friend happened to ask a question about dementia and I have to say I thought about this topic as it relates to the normal aging process since we’re all getting older.
I’m reminded of the classes I took last month focused entirely on working with seniors, we covered a lot of ground and in the normal aging process there’s a decline in mental processing speed. A key point to remember is that “seniors can process information as well as younger people if they have adequate time,” basically seniors store information slower and their reaction time is slower which also has implications for driving. I notice when I take my senior client to the clinic the staff allows ample time for her to answer questions and to retrieve her medical card, when she is frustrated because she can’t quickly recall something they are patient and reassuring allowing her to retain her dignity.
Dementia is NOT a part of the normal aging process and is defined as a loss of intellectual abilities over time, it affects many areas of cognitive function and interferes with daily life. Some dementia’s are treatable, caused by alcohol, drugs, thyroid, depression or medication induced and of course some dementias are irreversible; including Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, vascular/multi-infarct, Huntington’s or trauma. I think we hear so much about Alzheimer’s Disease it’s important to note it is only one form of dementia and what is most important in supporting or caring for our loved one with any form of dementia is to get a good diagnosis. For more information on dementia vs. Alzheimer’s disease follow this link http://www.alzheimerscaregiverresource.com/Dementia-Vs-Alzheimers-Disease-Ways-to-Distinguish-the-Two.html
A good diagnosis includes a medical history, physical, neurological exam, lab tests, mental status assessment, MRI, psychiatric evaluation and ruling out other causes. During our class discussions it was evident that every individual is different and something as simple as a urinary tract infection could cause confusion or temporary dementia but once treated the senior is back to their normal functioning. There is so much more that can be said and I haven’t even scratched the surface regarding aging and dementia but the key point I make today is to seek answers for your loved one, get a good diagnosis so the appropriate solution is applied – they deserve it and so do you.
If I can be of any assistance in supporting your senior please feel free to contact me.
Mary
Grateful acknowledgement to the Society of Certified Senior Advisors Training Material on Cognitive Aging http://society-csa.com/aboutandcontact.aspx
Subscribe to blog posts by Email
Posted by Mary on August 24, 2009
As I read the email from my dear friend in Canada I wish I was there in person to support her as I tell her we’ve all had experience with helping our parents through illness, transition and even endings. I tell her it doesn’t matter that we are nurses or that we have experience in healthcare or working with elders because this is about our “heart.” We are at that point in our lives where we are concerned about our parent’s health, their ability to recover from illness or the fact that they need different living arrangements. It doesn’t necessarily happen all at once, it may happen gradually and all of a sudden you worry about leaving them alone, question their driving ability, their medications and whether they are taking them correctly and what did the doctor really tell them on the last visit. We wonder if and when we should inject ourselves into their lives and wrestle with the desire to respect their freedom and concern for their safety as well as the safety of others.
I know everything will all work out as well as can be expected because I have every confidence in my friend’s heart skills as a daughter and certainly her intellect and experience no matter what the health care system or family throws at her. I was reflecting this week that in reality my Dad and my Mother had their own small home care & hospice agency, they had 4 daughters that lived nearby and we all had the same shared goal to take care of my parents at home as long as we were able. I think what helped my family and I came up with the following:
· We agreed on the goal or outcome to care for our parents at home for as long as possible
· We agreed on a leader; in my family I was the oldest and a nurse with background in elder care so I had that roll
· We were all willing to do our part, I used to think this was normal but I now realize it sadly is not.
Families don’t have to be perfect but you need some semblance of agreement and shared goals to care for parents and loved ones. I was lucky to have family, some of you are alone and that means leaning into elder care resources, you may not be able to do it all alone.
To my friend Joanne and to all of you caring for parents or loved ones I wish for you a good night’s rest, good nutrition, quiet time to pray or meditate, a little exercise and the ability to let go and allow others to step in or take care of you or take over. Sometimes it’s OK to let go of outcome and just know we’ve done our best.
I love you my friend, you are in my thoughts.
Mary
Subscribe to blog posts by Email
Posted by Mary on June 24, 2009
I’ve done a bit of research on information that would have been helpful a few weeks ago on “what to do when a loved one dies.” I remember asking our funeral home director if they had a checklist on to help us organize all the tasks to be done and I was surprised when he said “we don’t have anything like that.” I was more surprised that he wasn’t able to recommend a resource for us. My curiosity got the best of me and having the role of daughter, nurse, care coordinator, sister and end of life closer I decided to do some web browsing now that I’ve completed my sisters affairs. I found a few web resources with short checklists and forms that might be helpful to you, if interested look under “end of life checklists.”
I’ve already created my own electronic documents based on what worked for me and I’m updating with the new information I found during my research. No one wants to think about “Organizing” all the work to be done at End of Life but it needs to happen, most of it quickly. My previous work in home care, hospice and senior services have given me a passion for helping individuals and families transition smoothly during this difficult time. Here’s wishing that my experience can smooth the path for others, I invite you to stay tuned as I unveil a new service to current and future clients.
Eliza One, Inc. “Like a daughter, sister, friend… managing life transitions”
- Energy Healing * Reiki Master
- RN * Private Care Coordination
- End of Life Closer
Call (612) 202-5728 or visit my new office at 5871 Cedar Lake Road, Suite 216 * St. Louis Park, MN 55416
Mary
Subscribe to blog posts by Email
Posted by Mary on June 18, 2009
Healing Pup
I’ve been reading and working on “This Thing Called Grief – New Understandings of Loss” by Thomas M. Ellis, the book and the center he directs in St. Paul was recommended by my friend Leslye. As I let go of the daily work I was doing to close out my sister’s affairs I begin to rest, reflect and rebuild my life after loss. Being kind to myself and creating beauty around me meant doing some much needed gardening, adding plants, pulling weeds, replacing grass and admiring my gigantic hostas makes me smile. I won’t mislead you I’m not a real gardener but every little bit has been an improvement and I have found a profound sense of joy and peace as I stoop, bend and get my hands dirty bringing color and beauty to my yard.
In March we added a new member to our family and this little guy has provided a lot of love and comfort for us during the past several weeks. “Buttons” is a rescue poodle that I aquired from Picket Fence Poodles in Elk River, he had a history of being abandoned but we found he was a perfect fit for us and our family is now complete.
So my friends I share a couple of things that can add joy and peace during your healing journey, taking a step at a time I listen to music, admire art, read poetry and write in my journal and of course being with family and friends will help you mend.
Blessings,
Mary
Subscribe to blog posts by Email
Posted by Mary on June 15, 2009
One of the kindest things about losing a loved one is that we tend to remember only the most wonderful stories about that person, all else is unimportant and forgotten. As I think of my sister Susie and look at her pictures and memorabilia surrounding me I remember all the most funny and delightful experiences we shared as sisters. I’m glad May is over because when I handed over the keys to her apartment for the last time it felt like I was reopening a wound - the total finality left me physically and emotionally spent. A part of me looked forward to the ending, being finished with the work of packing and unpacking all her personal belongings I was tired of making decisions about what to do with every item from the impractical to the personal stuff that represented her life. When the time came to meet the management company representative for the final walk through I realized too late that I shouldn’t have come alone, I felt sad and disoriented for the rest of the day
Considering the work I need to do to create my personal healing plan I need to start with the basics like rest, relaxation, healthy food, laughter and tenderly managing grief. What I know for sure is that I WILL heal I just wish I could fast forward the process, but perhaps I’d miss the significant life lessons along the way. I know my journey is easier with the loving support of family and friends, faithful friends tell you they won’t abandon you while you walk the path of healing reclaiming your joy and laughter.
Today I received an email from a fellow healer and she passed on a couple of you tube videos and the one that caught my eye was the one titled the Wounded Healer. I share this with my audience in hopes that we can all embrace our life events with gratitude and feel a shared sense of Community.
The Wounded Healer
Mary
Subscribe to blog posts by Email
Posted by Mary on May 5, 2009
I wrote a small item awhile ago on my friend Sherry a Breast Cancer Survivor; although new at the business of “thriving” she is running joyously toward her new beginnings. I received her email blast last evening where she routed her wedding pictures to those of us who are fortunate to be in her circle of family and friends. I had received a voice message from her Sunday night telling me she was thinking of me and just hearing her voice was a tonic for my soul. In the mist of her celebration she remembered to share my grief, holding me in her heart as I work through the physical, legal and emotional business of closing out my sister’s affairs.
As I scrolled through the pictures of my friends wedding I was delighted to see the ecstatic Joy that my dear friend shows, especially the glow of love and appreciation for her children, her loving new husband Mike and for the friends and family surrounding her. The pictures are a reminder that the circle of life goes on and while we don’t always get a choice about what life throws in our path we do have a choice about our response to life events.
A Joyous Wedding
I look at the wedding pictures again and I see Gratitude with a touch of humiliy on the face of my dear friend Sherry, an appreciation for the opportunity to continue to embrace life and play with those she loves and holds dear. The process of healing our grief over the loss of my sister will take time for those of us who loved Faye Susanne. As my sisters and I work through the reality of closing out my sister Susie’s apartment and the very personal pieces of her life we are faced with a critical choice, “how will we embrace life without her? “
I hope we have the courage to embrace life with forgiveness and boundless Joy for what we have now just like my friend Sherry. There is a part of Sherry that reminds me of my sister Susie and it’s her unadulterated expectation to live life fully in love. My sister Susie lived from her Heart, smiling at life, looking for and expecting people to share her laughter and love of life surrounded by family and friends.
Congratulations Sherry and Mike!
Mary
Subscribe to blog posts by Email
Posted by Mary on April 14, 2009
One of my friends taught me about practicing Gratitude a few years ago and introduced me to the Gratitude Journal as part of a women’s retreat. It was a new experience for me to write down what seemed obvious to me but after practicing for a while I’ve learned how much we take stuff for granted, especially the loved ones in our lives. Last year around this time I lost a friend to suicide and last fall my father died at 91 years old, and my life lesson was to appreciate and be grateful for all those opportunities to just BE with family and friends.
Yesterday I got a message telling me my sister Susie was not feeling well, I was surprised as she just left for vacation in Cancun with my sister Lisa and her family. There’s a feeling of helplessness when your loved ones are far away and no matter how much I want to be the Big Sister and fix everything I can’t always reach. As we spoke on the phone I felt the frustration of trying to figure out how to manage a medical assessment without all the information needed to make a difference. Later that evening I happened to get an email from a friend who happened to be vacationing in Cancun. Spirit must have led my friend to send an email reminding me she was in Mexico and all I had to do was pass on the information between my dear friend and my family. I felt an overwhelming sense of joy, hope and gratitude!
At 4:53 AM I got a text from my 13 year old niece to tell me my sister Susie collapsed and they had called an ambulance to the resort. I called my friend and she already spoke to my family and she was on her way to the resort. I received a chilling text from my little niece who said “they said she’s not alive,” and then my phone rang. My sister Faye Suzanne who we always called Susie had died unexpectedly, a year younger than me and my complete opposite. As years of family memories flooded my brain I whispered “I hold you close in my Heart Susie.”
So my dear friend Sue this post is for you, your husband and his parents are my shining example of gratitude for today, for standing in my place and being a loving compassionate sister to my family while they are a long way from home. Bless you.
In Gratitude and Friendship,
Mary
Subscribe to blog posts by Email
